Satire

Ted Cruz Says Pants Don’t Fit Right

Photo by Matt Billings — Flickr CC

On what is likely the final day of the impeachment trial, Senate Republicans arrived at the Capitol in red noses and big shoes, carrying extendable ladders and buckets of soapy water.

As they pulled up to the main steps in a red and yellow Volkswagen Beetle, all fifty Republican senators quickly spilled out into a heap on the sidewalk.

First to his feet, Josh Hawley, the senator from Missouri, immediately pulled a wooden plank from his pants and whacked Lindsey Graham across the backside.

Before he chased after Senator Hawley, Mr. Graham, who’d taken time out of his busy golf…

Satire

Says Second Shot Unnecessary

Photo by Valdemaras D. on Unsplash

Missouri Senator Josh Hawley has confirmed he was vaccinated against the truth back in October, along with fellow Republican Lauren Boebert.

“I feel great,” said the first term senator. “I’d say at this stage I’m pretty much immune to any evidence-based reality.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene was originally scheduled to be vaccinated with her colleagues, but after going through her social media posts, Republican leaders decided not to bother.

“To be honest, after checking her Facebook and Twitter accounts and watching some of her videos, we just kind of assumed she’d broken into the lab and pumped herself full of the…

Satire

Democrats in disarray after foot faux pas

Photo by Cameron Smith on Unsplash

Following video released showing him walking up the steps to the Capitol wearing socks that don’t match, House Representative Mark Warrington has announced he will be stepping down.

The video, which has gained 74 million views, shows the now disgraced congressman almost gaining entrance to Congress dressed in one black sock, and one of a slightly lighter shade. It’s clear from the video that this is not a matching pair.

Calls for his resignation were swift, with outraged Republicans demanding he step down even before the video had finished playing.

“No one who sees this footage won’t be justifiably outraged,”…

Satire

Standing in corner not ruled out

Photo by Louis Velazquez on Unsplash

As revelations for Marjorie Taylor Greene’s support for QAnon conspiracy theories continue, outraged Democrats are calling for the freshman congresswoman to sit on the Naughty Step.

Speaking to reporters Thursday Nancy Pelosi urged Kevin McCarthy and other Republican leaders to sit down with the embattled Congresswoman to reach an agreement.

A spokesman for Mr. McCarthy said he is considering having her stand in the corner for ten minutes, possibly eleven. The GOP has signaled it has little appetite for the Naughty Step.

In the Senate, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer warned Republicans that if they fail to act, he’ll have no…

Satire

Best to stick with the regular brands

Image by Free-Photos by Pixabay

Fish owner, Ron Abbot, says his three children died last night shortly after he fed them. His wife, Mary, had left him to take care of the kids and was asleep upstairs.

Ron says it was most likely the macaroni cheese they had for dinner. “It was a new brand and I maybe gave them more than I should have,” he said.

Ron was worried how he’d tell his wife until he remembered it was late night shopping. “When I realized that, I thought, great, no problem, he said. “I hopped in the truck and sped over to the mall.”

Tips to make side-splittingly massive amounts of money

Unleash your own personal money spigot

Image by 3D Animation Production Company from Pixabay

Tired of working 40 or more hours a week with nothing to show for it?

Wish you could spend more time at home with your family?

I used to be just like you. For years I sold life insurance in New York City.

I hated it.

But believe it or not, the work wasn’t the worst thing.

It was the parking.

While I was inside trying to scrape out a sale, my car parked outside was getting ticketed.

Some days I paid out more in parking tickets than I was paid commission. It was OUT OF CONTROL!

The situation got…

Satire

President goes AWOL from golf

Photo by Macau Photo Agency on Unsplash

Dismay is spreading among Republican lawmakers following the second day in a row President Biden has declined to play golf with Lindsey Graham.

Speaking to reporters from the steps of the Capitol, Texas Senator Ted Cruz classified Biden’s refusal to play golf with Lindsey Graham as a dereliction of duty.

“We have a virus raging uncontrolled across the country, an economy in tatters, and this president is refusing to play golf with Lindsey Graham. Now is not the time not to play golf with Lindsey Graham,” said Cruz.

House Representative Devin Nunes reminded Biden of his sworn oath to protect…

Satire

Republicans alarmed at frequent use of truth

CBP photo via Flickr

Expressing concern among their ranks, more than a dozen House Republicans have called for an inquiry into the excessive number of times President Biden has told the truth since taking office earlier this week.

Ranking member Steve Scalise said the situation is so out of control that the Washington Post’s truth-tracker needs to be updated on a daily basis to keep pace with Biden’s growing truth count. After just one day in office Biden had already told the truth fifty seven times.

He suggested the adults in the Democratic Party step up and exert some control over their wayward leader.

Satire

America surprises with return to coherency

Photo Arlington National Cemetery on Flickr

Joe Biden has put a stamp on his first day in office with a barrage of full sentences. The moment has not gone unnoticed, with leaders across the globe praising Biden’s leadership.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel called it a notable achievement so early in his presidency, and one that is full of promise.

French president Emmanuel Macron referred to the moment he was able to follow the US president’s train of thought as one that will remain with him forever. “What we’ve witnessed today is a giant step forward for America and the world,” he said. …

Bob James

I write a lot of nonsense.

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